My heart is exhausted from trying to ignore feelings that are clearly there for him (AWP). Here is what happened...

I went to dinner with him and I should have known this wasn't going to go well, b/c all the way to the restaurant I felt ill.  So, anyway, I get there and he is looking as cute as ever.  I think, "This is so unfair that someone this good looking is such a JERK!".  I tell myself he was an "asshole" to you, don't get sucked in again!  But, I am there sitting in front of him and all I could think about is how much I wish we could find someway to make things work.  

So, we are sitting at the table making small talk when he asked me about another guy I dated.  I think to myself, "Here we go.  Now the fun will start."  When he asked I knew that was the beginning of the end of a civilized dinner.  I answer his question and then all of a sudden he shuts down on me.  

Then he starts talking about how some girl he was with previously was probably the one person he was meant to be with and how his regret over the loss of her is why he  treats other women the way he does.  I am looking at him in disbelief.  I could not believe he had just said what he did.  I get up and leave.  

On the way home I am willing myself not to be upset and not to feel anything.  I lose the battle.  My heart is my heart.  For whatever reason my heart wants him!  

:(  So, it has been 2 days since I told him I could no longer talk to him.  I thought I wld feel reliev ed.  I don't.  I thought I would be glad to be done with him.  I'm not.  I just wish he could have felt for me the way I feel for him.  I have always been baffled by how easily people share eachother's bodies w/o any real feeling attached.  I have never given myself to anyone w/o some emotion (no matter how slight) involved.  I often feel that we are beginning to miss the real connection of heart and soul that can be achieved through a physical intimate act. 

He calls me at 300am in the morning b/c his precious "Mikca" hurt his feelings. 

But, before I continue let me give u a little backgroud on "Mikca".  She is someone he has known and had a crush on for 8 yrs or so.  He said they never were a couple b/c they decided they didn't want to ruin their friendship.  He is in love with her but from what he has told me about her, she seems a bit loose. (She likes the men and messes around with them alot.)  From what he has stated about her, she really only wants him when she thinks he is getting serious about someone else.  (This girl plays him like a fiddle!) 

Which brings me back to his phone call.  Anyway, He was hurt and asked if he could come over to my place.  I said that would not be a good idea and before I could lay into him for waking me up out of a good sleep for his nonsense.  Guess who drive up to his house?  You got it, "Mikca".  He aburtly says he will call me back and gets off the phone.  I thought to myself, "let's not hold your breathe for that call".  Then I went back to sleep.

At 400am he calls again!  This time he sounds really upset and hurt. So, I listen to what happened.  "Mikca" apologized profusely for her behavior, but never said she would not do it again.  This caused him to tell her is finally done with her.  (YEAH RIGHT!)  

I asked him if she knows he is in love with her and has he ever told her?  He said "yes" to both questions.  I asked if she felt the same way.  He did not answer.  He just said he wanted to come over to "talk" with me. ("Just Talk"!  When have we ever "Just Talked!"?  I knew what he was really asking.) I told him I did not want to have sex with him anymore, b/c everytime we did it I felt hurt afterwards.  I knew it meant nothing to him. I told him I could no longer allow myself to beat my head up against a wall. I said everyone has a breaking point and his phone call crying over another was mine.  He said he was not only hurt by her, but by me as well.  (WHATEVER!)

B/c of his last lame ass response, I will no longer talk to him or allow myself to feel anything for him! I don't care how cute he is.  I will not play second to anyone.  Especially, not someone that doen't even appear to care about his feeling as deeply as I did.  Therefore, I have labled him in my mind as "INSANE!"

    & nbsp;

I can't understand him!  I really tried to make myself believe there was more to him than the shallow face he presents to the world.  What a waste! 

He had the nerve to say, "Can I take a rain check?" to my offer to take him out.  We all know that is just a "cowards" way of telling you they are not interested.   

It is so disappointing when you hope against hope that a person will be more than they appear to be.  Then you realize that they are exactly as "shallow" and selfish as you always knew deep down they were.  

Needless to say, I have stopped the maddness and have move on.

Goodbye AWP!  Here's hoping you grow up one day.